Hmm, I must say something good in every review, I must, I must, I have been warned that I am a negative bastard, I must say good things. Okay, err, the original Children of the Corn back in 1984 was great, and it's based on a Stephen King novella/short story, and I'm a great fan of his. Sadly, this just borrows the name.

In reality it's a piece of shit that any keyboard jockey could bang out after a bottle of vodka and a quick wank. Forget Children really, forget corn, it has fuck all to do with anything. It's shit.

Billy Drago is a sinister fucker, he always is, I like him a lot in flicks and series - but there's no way he can save this piece of crap from being something that a cow would feel shame upon seeing hanging from its scabby rump.

Plot? Who gives a fuck really, couple have a breakdown/get lost etc - no, of the car type, not as a result of watching this movie. They end up staying with crazy preacher man (Drago). There's the standard shenanigans that have fuck all to do with anything, Drago's Mrs gets her hand on travellers cock with crappy results, a phone gets yanked away, nobody gives a frigging shit.

Children? Corn? Yeah, there's some kids lurking, there's a few wanky corn dolls, within 10 mins you'll wonder if it's a schoolboys GCSE movie effort, by the time you reach the end you'll wish you'd watched Grannies Anal Gangbang instead.

But....Someone in the house is psychokinetic, like massively off the scale! What the fuck? You fucked her didn't you, you spineless fucking pig!Yeah, I'm massively psychokinetic too - here's your vision, free of charge.

You'll avoid this crap and be a happier person, or you'll watch it and wish you'd read this review and listened. Take your pick, your call. This ain't Children of the Corn, it's more like Cliche of the Crap. Trust me, you'll be happier if you listen to me, avoid like the fucking plague.